The Laughing Dermatologist

Last month this weird little lump that has been between my eyes for a long time began to get bigger. It turned red, hot and was painful to the touch.

I showed it to Ray who said �I�m not a dermatologist�, but cautioned against white boys being exposed to too much sun

I showed it to Michael who not only mentioned that he was not a dermatologist, but launched into some vague rambling about how �all the toxins you dump in your body have to go somewhere� and that I should drink more water.

Since neither of them was helpful, I showed it to Mom. Mom thought �I should have it looked at�

So I made an appointment with �the best adult skin man in town� according to Ray, thinking that the title sounded kinda XXX and hot! Of course since he Is TBASMIT, my appointment wasn�t for 6 weeks. �I could be dead of skin cancer in 6 weeks!� I told the receptionist.

�If that happens, please call back 24hrs before your appt to cancel� she said.

6 weeks pass and the �bump� is no longer hot, red and angry. It�s gone back to being just a slight imperfection. You know in a lot of Native American artwork, the artist intentionally adds a �mistake� because only the Great Spirit should be able to create perfection.

I�m not bitter about not making the People 50 Most Beautiful People List. Really, I�m not.

I go to my appointment anyway, full of apologies since I am no longer hideous. TBASMIT turns out to be a bearded grandfatherly type in a Harley-Davidson tie. He reminds me of Jerry Garcia. His office is upscale and high rent. Cool pastels, original artwork, frosty blonde Stepford medical assistants.

What I am not prepared for is that he is a comedian. He introduces himself, we shake hands. He turns to his frosty blonde assistant and orders a syringe of Botox: STAT.

Ha Ha, he is just joking. I think.

Now believe it or not, Ray can be a funny doctor. He knows a whole stand-up routine of jokes and riddles to tell kids during exams. My personal favorite is �How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?�

Answer: You Rock-it

The bump turns out to have been �just a fleshy mole� and the reason it got big and ugly was �a pimple got underneath.� But since my glasses are irritating it, we are going to �operate�

�Numb him up� he tells FBA, in the same tone that Dr Frankenstein would speak to Igor to �bring in the brain.� He slaps me on the shoulder and says �This won�t hurt me a bit� More laughs.

I recline on the table, FBA comes at my eyes with a loaded needles. By now you have heard the story of the Colorado hiker that amputated his own arm to save his life. Brave guy, right? But could he hold still and not scream when a pretty blonde sticks him between the eyes with a syringe.

TBASMIT comes back into the room. �You might not want to watch� he said �I know I�m not going to.� He pokes me a little between the eyes and asks if it hurts. I reply that it doesn�t, it just feels cold and wet.� Something very cold is dripping down my face. Pretty blonde is blotting.

�That�s just the blood� he says. �You didn�t know you had cold blood?� HaHaHa. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and pretend I am anywhere else. A beach somewhere would be nice, exposing myself to harmful UV rays.

A few seconds later, he says to FBA, �I don�t think it�s going to take more that 30 or 40 stitches. Hand me a #16 needle.� As all medical people and/or knitters know, a #16 is HUGE. �And maybe some more Botox for around the eyes. We want you to stay young and pretty�

�I don�t think Cigna will pay for Botox� I manage to joke back.

TBASMIT returns the volley.�I doubt CIGNA will pay for any of this.� He asks FBA to make sure I sign a waiver before I leave.

He hands me a mirror. I have 3 tiny little stitches. Not a drop of blood in sight. He wants to see me in a week to take out the stitches. I can either �have a bandaid or grow bangs�

Teeheeeeee

2 People have told Dr JJ all about it