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2-12-2003 - 4:26 p.m.
Best in Show We watched the Westminster Kennel Club dog show last night. It�s like the World Series of dog shows. The winner proudly can claim the title of �Best Dog in the World� Mick, the Kerry Blue Terrier won. Seems like the terrier always wins. It�s all about that terrier attitude. Overall, Mick was picked as top dog among 2,603 entries in 159 breeds and varieties. He has earned 113th best in show lifetime. Impressive. Still, Hawk and I were cheering for Dallas, the German Shepard. Dallas is a magnificent beast. We liked Josh, the Newfie, too. We always watch the dog show around here, because I enjoy all the opportunities for sarcastic comments, although �Look at that gorgeous bitch� is a perfectly legitimate remark when watching a dog show. Seriously, can you look at an over-the-top standard poodle, a beast so shaven, pouffed and braided as to be unrecognizable as a warm-blooded mammal and bite your tongue? I can�t. Or one of those little toy rat dogs whose face is more mutilated than Michael Jackson�s? Did you know that the best female dog in a litter of pups is refered to as the 'Pick Bitch' and doesn't that sound like something RuPaul would say? Even the somber Ray will look at a Great Dane and comment that Grandma could make a lot of soup out of that BIG dog. The showdogs are all in top physical shape; trained and groomed athletes without one extra once of bodyfat. The TV spots during the commercial breaks are all about the best possible, most nutritious food for your dog. And then there are the handlers. Handlers don�t seem to take care of themselves nearly as well as they do their dogs. There is something ironic about seeing a sleek, sporting beast being shown by a handler with a huge ass that is covered in sequins. And I am such a hypocrite. I make a special trip to Petco to get Miss Holly her Science Diet light and there just happens to be a Taco Bell in the parking lot of that Petco. When I get a combo meal, I always give Holly the taco. You ought to see Holly catch Mc Donald�s French fries. She�s like a major league golden glover. Being manly men, we like the sporting dogs; the retrievers, spaniels, pointers and setters. We have never actually gone into the wetlands, shot at some hapless water fowl and then sent our dog into freezing water to retrieve the poor blasted bird, but Holly will jump into the koi pond and try to retrieve one of Mikey�s fish. BTW, this does not make Mikey happy. He mentioned that his grandmother has recipes for dog, too. My brother-in-law, Brian, has a yellow lab named Gracie who is a world class hunting dog. Brian is into that Eddie Bauer lifestyle and bought Grace to complete the picture. It turned out Gracie knew more about duck hunting than he did. Gracie retrieves pheasants. She hands the pheasants over to Brian, who then brings them home to my sister who asks �WTF am I supposed to do with a dead pheasant?� Betsy don�t cook. The pheasants ended up at my house and I served them with a wild rice stuffing and a green salad. Tasty, watch out for the buckshot. We all know that the best dog in the world is your own dear mutt, even if she gets into your backpack and steals your lunch while you are checking your e-mail. Yes Holly, this means you! Did you know that there are 3 times more Labrador Retrievers registered with the AKC than the next most popular dog, which I believe is a Golden Retriever. I�ve always had a black Lab, before Holly there was Lilly and Maggie. They all kind of blend together in my mind. When one of them gets old and has to go to doggie heaven, I get another one just like her to ease the pain. In theory, I believe in the genetic diversity of mutts and that we should all take in pound puppies, but purebred dogs are consistent. I told Holly after she ate my lunch that the next one is going to be named Taikeisha. All that said, there is still a big difference between dog lovers and dog show people. If you have seen Christopher Guest�s mockumentry �Best in Show� you know what I mean. If you haven�t seen the movie, go rent it today. My aunt and uncle in St Louis used to show Weimaraners, which are big grey hunting dogs. They had a Winnebago and went all over the country showing their dogs and spending every cent they had. I knit socks and collect Ken, so who am I to judge. Everybody needs a hobby. And speaking of judging, Dogs are judged against �standards� which is a written description of the �perfect� dog of that particular breed. These standards are 'the Bible�. Even a few millimeters of deviance away from the standard can make a purebreed dog �unacceptable.� More than a few millimeter of deviance and the dog might as well be destroyed or at least not allowed to mate. If you think this kind of judgement is harsh, you have obviously never been in a gay bar
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