School is over for the semester and no one seems to want to start therapy for alcohol, drug or eating problems a week before Christmas. I am foot loose and fancy free until folks start making their New Year�s resolutions.

Silly me happened to mention my 2 weeks of freedom to my mother and she immediately suggested that I take my Dad Christmas shopping. �Get him out of the house for awhile, he�s driving me crazy.�

Poor Dad, as you may know, has Alzheimer�s disease and he can try the patience of a Saint, which Mom is most days. Dad doesn�t remember what happened 5 minutes ago, but that doesn�t mean he�s not a lot of fun. Truth is, he has more fun that anybody I know. He loves life and totally lives in the moment. When you have Alzheimer�s, everything is new.

He wants to go the Wal-Mart Supercenter. �The new one!� I�d rather open a vein than go to Wal-Mart, but this is his party. Dad wants to drive, which is always scary, because he can�t get out of the driveway without directions. He�s been banned by the family from drive alone, because we fear he will end up lost in Arkansas. He does OK with someone else in the car. You can�t take away a man�s car keys; you might as well cut off his dick.

Senorita Maria and I pick him up around noon. Oh dear, he�s wearing a Santa hat. My father is always sweet with Maria although he�s not sure exactly who she is sometimes. The grandchildren keep changing and growing and that confuses him. Sometimes he thinks that my 12 year old nephew is me, because he forgets I am an adult. We may all need to wear nametags at Christmas dinner. I haven�t even tried to explain about Mysterious Mikey.

The Wal-Mart Supercenter doesn�t look all that crowded so a Friday before Christmas. My father and child are bubbling with excitement. Dad and I elect to ride the handicapped scooters. �It will be fun, we can have races!� He was in a terrible motorcycle accident when I was in college and broke almost every bone in his body�some of them twice. The first surgery after the accident took 32 hours and contributed to his Alzheimers. I�m self conscious riding the scooter because I don�t look as handicapped as I am. But this place is the size of a football field and while the mind may be willing, the knees are already screaming for mercy. Maria is advised �Not to run off.� And if she is good, we will visit the goldfish aisle

My father is a big, friendly guy and like his only son, he would start up a conversation with a tree stump. He is pretty sure that the Wal-Mart employees have been waiting all day just for his arrival and he breezes into the store like a visiting dignitary. �Merry Christmas!� He says in booming Santa-like voice to the greeter at the door �Isn�t it a wonderful day?' They smooze for while and I realize that this is going to be a long fucking trip to Wal-mart.

Just inside the door, there is a mountain Christmas goodies. Donuts, sticky buns, red and green cookies. It all goes into his basket. We�ve been in the store 30 seconds and he�s decided to buy everything he has seen so far. Perhaps we need to focus.

�Uh, Dad? Do you have a shopping list? He doesn�t. �Who are you shopping for?� Everybody. �Hasn�t Mom bought presents for the family already? He�s not sure, although I am sure she has and this is more of a field trip that actual Christmas shopping.

�Look! Apples!� he yells, just as excited as hungry Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. He motors on over to the produce department. Wal-mart has a lot of different varieties and �wouldn�t it be fun to buy a couple of each and taste them all. The produce manager comes over and they smooze for awhile. We learn all about the difference between Fiji, Gala and Jonagold. Dad congratulates the man on the quality of his produce. We get samples of fresh pineapple on toothpicks. Oranges, pears and avocados go into the basket. He gets just as excited about the variety of nuts. Do you know how to roast chestnuts, I don�t? I guess I am going to have to learn, because he bought some.

A really hot looking Asian guy is picking out a lobster from the tank. Why anyone would go to Wal-Mart for lobster is beyond me, but the man is cute. This is too much for Dad to resist. �That�s a nice looking lobster. How ya gonna cook it?� Dad, the Asian hottie and the fish manager discuss lobsters for awhile. Ah shucks, he�s cooking it for his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. Do I think my mother would like a couple of live lobsters?

Absolutely not! He buys her several pounds of peeled shrimp instead.

We�ve been in Wal-Mart almost an hour and haven�t even made it out of the produce department, but he and Maria have played a fun game of match the vegetables with the color. Peppers are red and green, oranges are orange, bananas are yellow and eggplant is purple. Potatoes are brown, but not inside.

I feel myself starting to get annoyed, then take a deep breath. Live in the moment. This could be an adventure if I let it. Maria and Dad are having fun. Try to see everything with fresh eyes.

The meat department isn�t that interesting, but in the dairy department, a nice lady is passing out sample of eggnog. Another lady has samples of cheese balls on crackers. This might as well be a holiday party for Dad and he visits awhile longer. Truth is, he flirts. A flirt in my family? Imagine that. Quarts of eggnog and cheese balls go into the basket.

We scooter into the liquor and wine aisle. A couple of stockboys are reloading the shelves. �Am I late for the party, fellas? �Everybody laughs. Bottles of Bailey�s Irish Cream, beer and wine join the apples, eggnog and cheeseballs. We haven�t picked out a single present, but we are well stocked in case we decide to have a Christmas party.

�Dad, lets go over the lingerie department and get Mom a nice bathrobe and maybe some slippers.� This store maybe open 24hrs, but I am NOT willing to spend the NEXT 24hrs stuck here. Mom is 64, No, I don�t think she would like a red lace teddy or thong panties. No Dad, not even as a joke.� We find a nice grandmotherly bathrobe and some fuzzy slippers.

In the men�s department he buys a black suede shirt for himself and some red suspenders that say �Ho Ho Ho� Maria had never heard the one about �Why do firemen wear red suspenders?� and they laugh it up.

The spirit of Christmas presents smiles upon us when we discover the �gift aisle.� There�s something for everybody. If you are a male car owner, you are getting the Armor-All car detailing gift set. Laugh if you like, but Ray will love his. The girls will get little suitcases filled with glittery makeup from the Olson twins. My 23 year old sister is not deeply into the Olson twins, but Dad forgets that she�s not a baby anymore. She�d probably like the red teddy and thong, but not from Dad. Eeeeew

The toy department looks like it has been hit by a tornado. No new Kens in the Barbie aisle. Damn! We quickly grab a Bob the Builder Talking steamroller and a Harry Potter playset for my sister�s boys and get the hell outta dodge.

Maria has been SO good and deserves a trip to see the fish. Maria is the proud owner of a Disney Little Mermaid aquarium. Dad of course, offers to buy the child more fish and gets the chance to smooze the pretty girl handling the fishnet. The pet department yields rawhide bones and catnip mice for the 4-legged members of the family.

I look at my watch. 3 hrs has passed. We have stopped and smelled the roses long enough. I have been a good son and have lived in the moment, but I am as done as the Christmas turkey. I pick up a package of waterless Excederin in the drug aisle and chew a couple on the spot.

Candycanes, holiday M&Ms and St Nicholas Cranberry soda make it into the basket as we head to the check out. Ooooh Russell Stover�s candy, only $4.79 a lb. Sweet! I back up, then load up. I like to take a sexy man and a pound of chocolate to bed sometimes. You don�t need to know the details of this game.

Dad greets the checkout girls like they were long-lost daughters. He has spent $418 and claims to have had the time of his life. He announces that he is starving and offers to take Missy and me to Mc D�s for a late lunch. The Wal-Mart super center is wished a hearty �Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight�

Know what? It was the time of my life.

3 People have told Dr JJ all about it